Dysphoria is of course, the title track to the Dysphoria EP. It was posted on YouTube along with Noctica (the song) and Vampire when the Dysphoria EP was released. Dysphoria fills me with euphoria. It makes me want to dance. Let me just say that I don't think my ears can handle the volume my soul wants the "Can you save my soul" chorus to be at. It's just never loud enough. And once again, her lyrics hit hard. And it's not just about the words themselves, she really knows how to deliver them. Also, "I never chose to be born But I'll choose who I am when I die If that's not someone you want by your side then I guess this is goodbye" should be everyone’s motto!
I lost my mind. Well, half of it anyway. Don’t worry:
When she dropped three songs all at once, and announced the Dysphoria EP was done, I was: SO. FUCKING. EXCITED. I couldn't listen, like, or comment fast enough. There was so much awesome, I just kept looping the EP, “over and over again and again”. And it wasn’t long before I kind of felt like I was “far too close to the end.”
You see, in situations like this, I usually begin with an emotion that’s a bit bloated, it holds for a bit, and then tapers off to something calmer and more objective. Only it didn’t taper off. It didn’t calm down. It just kept burning brighter, like there was a blazing singularity of joy and excitement in my chest. On the inside I felt like one of those crazy teen girls you see in old Beatles footage.
The weird part is that the more intense it got, the more I recognized part of me was losing its shit, and I was able to watch it with a strange kind of detachment. It was honestly kind of fun, having this part of you that was totally euphoric and obsessed while also calmly enjoying your freakout second hand. So, other than being amped up and a bit distracted, it didn’t overly affect life outside my listening habits. Although as it went on and on, I did get a little worried that maybe I was going to be turned up to 11 forever.
By day five I think I had listened to the EP at least 90 times. I was so full of energy and enthusiasm for Noctica and Dysphoria that I needed to do something to release it. So, I started this website. And honestly, it was a huge help. By day ten, I had probably listened to Dysphoria 120 to 180 times, but there was daylight. I finally needed a break and listened to some other music for a few days, only playing Dysphoria a few times a day. Three weeks after the release and I was feeling mostly myself again, but it was another three weeks before my feet really touched the ground.
The thing is, not only is the whole Dysphoria EP a real fucking banger full of awesome talent but it is very relatable to anyone who has experienced emotional trauma. I had some childhood stuff that, as a teen, left me questioning my sexuality, lacking confidence in myself, and often feeling like an outsider even among friends. I think this “inner teen” felt seen in a way I didn’t know I needed. It felt very cathartic, but I'm still sorting out the details. I imagine there are others out there, experiencing similar things. This is powerful music.
I don’t know that she can output an endless stream of music that touches my soul (it would be exhausting for us both, I think), but I’m pretty sure I’ll be a Noctica fan for life. Dysphoria and the whole experience has been a real gift, and I am grateful Noctica continues to be more than a memory.
Can you save my soul?
Break me down, Show me how to be
Hopeless now, Sometimes I just don't feel alive It's all or nothing
living like I'm doomed or something
I don't know what I'm feeling anymore
The ghosts of old say "I don't want to be ignored"
I wrote a couple suicide notes hidden in a melody, should I just be a memory?
Above? Below? Atone? just seems to be the remedy for sins committed chemically.
I know serenity's the goal
But I lost myself long ago
Now I'm begging
Can you save my soul?
Cos this shell is not my home
Over and over again and again
I am haunting the grave
Far too close to the end
And I'm scared to be on my own
Behind chrome, Reflections of a life I wish to know
Now just ghosts, dancing in the gaslight
So I just breathe, tonight I'm holding on for
peace of mind, a chance to be more
It's darkest before dawn
I don’t want to be alone so I’m standing here screaming
Can you save my soul?
Cos this shell is not my home
Over and over again and again
I am haunting the grave
Far too close to the end
And I'm scared to be on my own
I never chose to be born
But I'll choose who I am when I die
If that's not someone you want by your side then I guess this is goodbye
I never chose to be born
But I'll choose who I am when I die
If that's not someone you want by your side then I guess this is goodbye
Can you save my soul?
Cos this shell is not my home
Over and over again and again
I am haunting the grave
Far too close to the end
And I'm scared to be on my own
Can you save my soul?
Cos this shell is not my home
Over and over again and again
I am haunting the grave
But this is not the end
Because I am not alone
Can you save my soul?
Save my soul
Save my soul
Can you save my soul?
