Savior is the first release by Noctica, and it rocks. Not only does it go hard, but it’s also a song you can identify with if you’ve ever delt with depression or anxiety. I know I’ve felt these lyrics: "I don’t think I’m ever getting better, I won’t escape this hell, I’m just so tired of wasting my life chasing heaven". "Heaven" for me was just some simple peace of mind. I remember being so exhausted, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, that I didn’t necessarily want to be dead, I just wanted to not "be" for a moment.
The reimagined version of Savior is a really beautiful rendition that accentuates the vocals. I don’t know if the song is actually slower, but it definitely feels like it because it doesn’t have the same driving beat as the original. My only complaint is with YouTube, because they slapped a suicide warning on it, so you always have to click an acknowledgement to hear it, even when it’s in a private playlist you made. Super irritating.
This is where it all began for me. I had been digging around on YouTube for new and interesting music and not having much luck finding things I vibed with. On July 20th, 2023, Savior shows up in my recommended feed. There were more interesting things in my feed that day. I ignored it, like I ignore much of what YouTube recommends.
It kept popping up in my recommendations and the image was distinctive, so it was hard to miss. At some point I opened her profile to see what Noctica was all about. I had just been through several channels featuring attractive performers who either seemed to have invested more in their looks than their talent or were just too "metal" for me. I was fed up and moved on without even bothering to listen.
Then a few days later she dropped the official video. YouTube recommended it. I ignored it. YouTube recommended it again. I ignored it, again. YouTube kept recommending it. I kept ignoring it. I know there’s a "not interested" option for videos in your feed, but I only use it if for things I find disagreeable. When I get tired of seeing something in my feed that I don’t intend to watch I’ll open it, play a bit of it, and it usually goes away. So, finally, after a whole week of seeing her face in my feed every time I looked for something to watch, I broke down and opened Savior.
The instant I hit play; the fates laughed. I didn't know it, but I was enthralled.
Didn’t know who I was before
It’s a feeling I can’t ignore
When the rain starts to pour
I just try to ignore the dysphoria
And I take a look at my reflection
Turn away and start regressing
To a place where I feel safe
A world without human connection
And my skin don’t feel like home
Self destruction takes control
And I don’t want to be alone
But it feels like I was doomed to know
I don’t think I’m ever getting better
I won’t escape this hell
I’m just so tired of wasting my life chasing heaven
Depression's got me running from the person who could save me from myself
Tell me how I’m supposed to feel
Has me questioning what is real
Cos I’m killing myself just by living a life that I don’t conceal
And this is now my confession
I won’t repent for self expression
The path that’s right is to choose to fight
and depression won’t win every second
Suppression has now become all that I am
Quit saying you know cos you don’t understand
Stopped praying to god that he’d come take my hand
Cos being myself means I’m already damned
I don’t think I’m ever getting better
I won’t escape this hell
I’m just so tired of wasting my life chasing heaven
Depression's got me running from the person who could save me from myself
It’s all in my head, tell me I’ll be fine
But the truth is I’m scared of the world outside
I’m sick of this lie that I'll be alright
When I’m living a life that’s not mine
It’s all in my head, tell me I’ll be fine
But the truth is I’m scared of the world outside
I’m sick of this lie that I'll be alright
When I’m living a life that’s not mine
I don’t think I’m ever getting better
I won’t escape this hell
I’m just so tired of wasting my life chasing heaven
Depression's got me running from the person who could save me from myself
Depression's got me running from the person who could save me from myself
